the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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