Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
