you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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