Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
