I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
