i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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