FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
