the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
