Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
