You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
