He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
