I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
