barbara walters just said penis...
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
