I just saw a hot homeless man
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
