Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
