Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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