I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
