that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
