Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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