remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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