my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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