Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
