a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
where are my eyebrows?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
