I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
