It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm both gender and math confused
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
