you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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