the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize