Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
