i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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