After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
