my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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