yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
