i need an iv and a liver transplant
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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