Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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