i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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