She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
