I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
