Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
