maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
