Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
