Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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