The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
