Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
