I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize