in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't deserve a penis
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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