Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
