he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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