I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
