absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
