GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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