I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
