she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize