fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
