just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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