I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
