I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
you had me at cake vodka
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
