Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
