I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
