3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
