If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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