Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
