69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Randomize
