i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
