i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
